An Emotionally Weak Day

Tomorrow I reach 34 weeks. A landmark.

I have to admit feeling very frustrated by my appointments this week. My proteins doubled, but the umbilical cord is looking better. My blood pressure is the same, teetering on severe. It took almost 4 hours today at the hospital. It can be so aggravating...I feel like the next three weeks will just be more and more of the same...one test looks worse, one looks better, blood pressure the same.

Today I don't feel like I can handle this laying around, dependency on others, burden to my family for 3 more weeks.

Timely enough, my dear friend Brittney sent me some quotes on adversity today. These are from Richard G. Scott.

"Find the compensatory blessings in your life when, in the wisdom of the Lord, He deprives you of something you very much want. To the sightless or hearing impaired, He sharpens the other senses. To the ill, He gives patience, understanding, and increased appreciation for others’ kindness. With the loss of a dear one, He deepens the bonds of love, enriches memories, and kindles hope in a future reunion. You will discover compensatory blessings when you willingly accept the will of the Lord and exercise faith in Him."

"I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will."

I need to do some thinking on this. Clearly the compassion and kindness is oozing around me everywhere. It is hard to handle, how many thoughtful things are being done to us. I see a different side of so many of my friends and neighbors. It is so uplifting and inspiring to watch these good people serve.

But today I just felt frustrated by my inertia and prideful. I sat in the hospital and haughtily judged everyone around me. It seemed everything about them screamed they didn't take care of themselves. Didn't care. Why was I in the same place they were? I sat stewing at all my doctors, still feeling this is all a big sham. I am embarrassed, I don't make a habit of sitting around critiquing others and thinking I know more than them. But it was what I sat there doing. Very un-Christlike.

Clearly this trial won't end anytime soon if I keep up this attitude. As I said it is an emotionally weak day for me. I haven't been with my husband or children, and they strengthen me so much. I'm sure when Brent returns he can kick me off my sorry violin, make me laugh and offer some perspective.

I go to ponder on the compensatory blessings the Lord has to offer me... :)

One fun note:

At my ultrasound today, they mentioned for the second time (two weeks ago also) how much hair little Berkeley has. This is huge!! My babies are always bald. (See recent photos of Emmett for clear evidence of this, and he is almost 2 1/2.) Apparently she has long flowing hair on the back of her head. It is probably a nice thick mullet...but there is always a chance of some hair on the top too. A mother can always hope ;)

A final post note:

And then, as I read this again, I think how ridiculous I am to even claim this to be adversity. This is so temporary. An immediate end is in sight. Not many others can say that of their trials.