Berkeley Day 7

Berkeley had a great day yesterday with lots of improvement. Her flow is down to .5 L and the Oxygen level today is down to 26%, with yesterday up and down but mostly at around 50%.

With her flow level down today I was able to try to feed her again. Unfortunately she is interested, but still very weak and tired to suck for more than a few sucks at a time for a couple minutes total. I was so hopeful with a few days off she might be vigorous this time. But these have been a rough few days. This will just take time.

This morning when I got to the hospital she had a little outfit on. It was very fun to see her dressed for the first time.

The antibiotics for pneumonia will continue either to Friday night or Sunday night. Her cough should clear by then, is what the doctors told me. Wouldn't that be a miracle! I am just trying to go with the doctors diagnosis of pneumonia, and ask for answers based on that. When I pressed them about if cough persists after pneumonia has cleared, they said maybe for a couple days.

It is great to be moving forward. We are almost back to Day 2 status :)

Unfortunately the lactation specialist says I should have about twice as much milk as I currently have. So my life will now be even more consumed with pumping. I am producing enough to feed her through the tube, but It was depressing that when I look at the pump my milk lets down. I am trying to pump at Berkeley's bedside as much as possible. Hopefully my body won't continue to become connected to the pump!

Emotionally I am much stronger today. It seems unfair to throw so much emotional stress on a person recovering from major surgery and with completely out of whack hormones. It just makes everything so much more of a roller coaster.

I can't say how wonderful the emotional support has been from my neighbors and friends. The emails, comments, conversations, telephone calls mean the world to me. It is very cathartic for me talk through (or write about) what is going on. I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to call everyone back, but again it means so much to see your names pop up on my phone.

At one particularly difficult moment, I was sobbing and Brent was holding me. I couldn't stand leaving Berkeley in the hospital, alone, with so much noise, equipment and sterility. It was then Brent said, "Rebecca she isn't there at all. She is surrounded by those who love her at every moment. Our Heavenly Father doesn't leave his little ones alone at a time like this. She is on a little vacation, with angels and loved ones passed on to care for her." This has meant the world to me. I know now, Berkeley isn't alone when I leave but is encircled with love and care from those beyond the veil of our knowing.

Berkeley just hours old. I get vicious when they try to keep me in a hospital bed and not see my babies. The nurses always gasp that I can get in the wheelchair after just a few short hours.